


distorted

by thisandthisandthis



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Autistic Julian Bashir, Coming Out, Gen, Misgendering, Pre-Canon, Trans Julian Bashir, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27970460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisandthisandthis/pseuds/thisandthisandthis
Summary: at age fifteen, julian bashir comes out as transgender to his parents.
Relationships: Amsha Bashir & Julian Bashir & Richard Bashir
Comments: 5
Kudos: 32





	distorted

**Author's Note:**

> having a mess of emotions after coming out to my parents so come wallow in it with me if youd like
> 
> \- peach ([more fics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisandthisandthis/works) // [my tumblr](https://leehallfae.tumblr.com/))

_ Taptaptaptaptap. _ Julian’s fingers drummed a nervous rhythm on the tabletop.

“Jules, would you stop that?” Amsha frowned and swatted his hand back into his lap. “You said you want to tell us something. What is it?”

He opened his mouth. Closed it again. The words stuck in his dry throat and refused to come out. Julian fidgeted, tried to breathe in slow.  _ Taptaptap. _

“Jules,” said Richard, “come on, out with it.”

Amsha elbowed her husband in the ribs and scowled. “Let her talk,” she said, and turned back to Julian. “Tell us what it is, sweetie.”

“Er,” Julian started, his heart throwing itself against his ribcage, pulse racing. “It’s, uh.”

His parents stared, waiting, with wide eyes and tight lips.

“There’s something I, er, I want you to know. About me.”

_ Taptaptaptaptaptap— _

“I’m transgender.”

Amsha and Richard stilled.

They looked at each other and then back at Julian. Their eyes were strangely bright, harshly. It was as though they shared some knowledge that Julian did not, communicating through only a tightening of whitish knuckles and a twitch of the lips — they smiled, unnaturally, and their gaze burned over him again, examining their new son.

“I’m going to change my name,” Julian blurted into the heavy silence. “And my pronouns, to  _ he.” _

Amsha blinked. For one moment, all that could be heard was the weighted breath of the wind outside, the rustle of the trees.

“This will be hard,” Richard laughed, a dry, humorless sound. “I’ve had fifteen years of practice calling you Jules. This’ll be hard, y’know.”

Amsha’s eyes darted about the room, looking anywhere but his face. “What name...?”

“Julian,” he said. “J-U-L-I-A-N.”

Another pause.

“Oh,” Richard shrugged. “That’s not so far from your real name.”

Julian clutched his fingers together in a fist. “My real name  _ is _ Julian.”

Reaching forwards, Amsha placed a hand on Julian’s knee. “Yes, but I’m sure we can still call you by your nickname. Right, Richard? That will make things easier for us.”

_ I don’t care if it’s easy for you, _ Julian thought.  _ I don’t give a shit. _

“Yeah. Yeah. Alright, Jules, you’re a  _ he _ now?”

“Yes,” he mumbled. “But I want you to call me Julian.”

Richard waved a hand dismissively. “You won’t yell at me if I mess up, hm? This is gonna be hard, you know I’m still gonna call you  _ she _ for a while, okay?” He laughed and held up his hands. “Don’t get angry with me.”

Julian felt his stomach curling in on itself, hot and sick. He wanted this to be over. He wanted to never have brought it up in the first place. He wanted to turn back time and undo all of it, this fucked up game.

“Is that all?” Richard said.

“Yeah, I guess that’s all.”

“Okay.” He stood and stretched, looking sort of dazed, as though he didn’t know what to do with this new information. He walked into the kitchen. Julian stared at his lap as he listened to his father pour himself a glass of water. And then Richard left, up the stairs and into his room, and it was only Amsha, boring a hole in Julian’s forehead with her gaze, worrying the fabric of her thawb between two fingers.

“Jules, are you alright?” she said.

_You’re such a coward. Tell her that’s not your name. _

_ (You already did. She doesn’t care.) _

“Jules, sweetie.” Amsha looked pained. “Do you need anything else from us? What do you want?”

_ I want you to call me by my fucking name. _ “I don’t know,” he mumbled.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me. We’ve been over this.”

Julian heard her voice in his head like it was clear as day —  _ Jules, you can’t shut down like this every time something doesn’t go your way. Why don’t you just talk to me? Just say something. _

_ (Talking hurts. It’s not that easy.) _

“I dunno,” Julian repeated. He wanted to gather his legs up to his chest and bury his face in the curve of his knees. “Guess I want. Uhm. Like, surgery. At some point.”

_ Taptaptaptaptaptap. _

Amsha stiffened and folded her hands awkwardly in her lap. “I don’t want you ruining your body,” she said. “You need to think about this first.”

“I have.”

She did not seem to accept that as an answer. Her mouth a thin line, she stood and smoothed out her skirt. “Jules, come here.” And she held out her arms for a hug.

He stood and obliged.

In that moment, wrapped in her embrace, Julian felt more alone than he ever had before.

Maybe one day he’d feel like he belonged in his own body. Like his name really was  his . Like being a man wasn’t something he had to convince people of — one day, maybe.

After his mother had left the room, Julian could not find the energy to move. He simply sat and stared, unblinking, out the window, over the tops of the trees to the dull reddish sunset, the dark fog of the sky above, and each slowly emerging star, little pinpricks of light that burned like torches on the other side of the galaxy.

**Author's Note:**

> something abt not being prepared for coming out to Not Go Badly Per Se But Also Not Go Well Either ... hm. screams. anyway.
> 
> thanks for reading. comments and kudos are always appreciated <3
> 
> \- peach ([more fics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisandthisandthis/works) // [my tumblr](https://leehallfae.tumblr.com/))


End file.
